Forgive me, my thoughts are a bit scattered; I will attempt to rein them in long enough to create an idea that makes sense:
Today marked yet another change in my life. I have moved back home, at least for a few months, before I embark on my Africa journey. This was a huge, vastly difficult decision for me to make, as I have fallen head over heels in love with Washington. My heart and soul are in the mountains and the rivers, the coffee shops, the book stores, the people I left behind… I may only be a few states over, but it might as well be a few continents. My heart mourns. True, California may have birthed and shaped me, but I feel that Washington revealed to me who I am. It is where I first became strong, confident, focused… Washington has tested me like no other place in the world has. I have scaled colossal mountains, crossed raging rivers, braved devastating weather and loved and lost to an extent that I did not think possible. It is where I discovered my love for rock climbing, where I began intensive training in running, where I learned how to scuba dive and spear fish. It is also where I have developed my best friends, the people I trust most in this life. Sitting in my room in California, I miss the forests and the craggy mountain sides, the rocks where billows roll. I miss Whidbey Island and its dozens of bookstores, Duvall, my adopted hometown, Stone Gardens and all the people there that I have come to dearly love. I miss Northwest University, Kirkland, Lake Washington, I miss kayaking 18 miles, running until I feel as though my heart might burst, climbing mountains I only ever dreamed of, sleeping in the woods beneath a clear star addled sky…
On the tedious drive from Washington to California today I passed numerous mountains. My heart swells each time I see a peak, its very top scraping against the sky. I feel the insatiable desire to climb it, to explore its every crevice and cranny, to see what is hidden in its forests. For some reason it reminded me that each day holds within its grasp, the great unknown. A place is not the only adventure, life itself IS the adventure. There are surely mountains and rivers to be explored here in California, trees to be climbed and books to be read. My heart may always long for the place it was discovered, but a heart is an enormous beast. It has room for many things. Those mountains today, and that long, stretch of open road reminded me that God’s plans for my life are larger than I could ever imagine, and that He is a God of adventure and daring. There is a huge part of me that is considering selling the majority of my possessions when I return from Africa (save for my books) and living as a wanderer. It seems to fit the photojournalist persona. I was not made for the commonplace existence. I desire to live minimally, at least for a time, and what a perfect time to test the waters! I am young and healthy and as eager for chance exploits as I am for the breaths that sustain me. Ultimately, I believe that God has a plan for my life that has been set in an irreversible motion, but I also believe He gives us freedom of choice, and I choose to live a life of adventure and daring as I follow His will. No doubt I will receive concerns and the well placed eyebrow raise from my family, but they can rest assured, at least, in knowing that I am so absolutely happy. I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
–Invictus, William Ernest Henley
MUSINGS OF A WANDERER 